storytellers

spoonfedsoprano · Scribe Joined: 16 Feb 2008 Posts: 14 Location: KSC

I WILL NOT TAKE YOU
My heart was so empty
So dull and full of anger
Yet for some reason it was finally pure again
Cleansed of the demons and boulders that those have placed on me
Freedom has uplifted me from the darkness within
To suddenly change my path from a deep falling to finding my way
I'll take my freedom at any cost
I will not take you
I will not take you for all you are
and most importantly of what you are not
I will not take the fears you try to instill in me
I will not take the pain you gave to me
You may have taken me
But you haven't taken my heart, my soul, my love
My everlasting breath for all that I live for
Of these things you will never have
And you'll never have what is me
I will not take these things ever again
I will live, I will sigh, I will enjoy all that I am
And in my heart I will never take you

eleison · Posted: Fri Feb 22, 2008 11:14 pm Post subject:

I'll take my freedom at any cost
I will not take you
I will not take you for all you are

If I walk away from this poem with anything, it will be those three lines. They are broken up perfectly, as if there were no other way to write them.

I wish I could find the rest of the piece as memorable. The word choice is brilliant, but I suggest revising the structure of the piece. The three lines above have a sort of driving rhythm behind them that the rest of the piece sort of floats over and ignores.

To a certain extent, this is great, because these lines pull the reader in again, pouncing on them to drive the point home. I just think that there was a pulse missing behind the rest, they do not need to be as strong as these lines and the little bit that follows.

Great poem! It's so nice to have another poet around. I hope I did not come off as harsh.

-Colleen

P.S. I WILL be looking at the rest of your poetry later this weekend, and I do apologise for not getting to these sooner. I just want to make sure I have the mental stamina to give these works the intelligent critique and praise they deserve.
_________________
Everywhere I go I find that a poet has been there before me.
~Sigmund Freud~