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Can you follow this AT ALL???
with perfect clearity you wittle geniush you!
50%
 50%  [ 1 ]
not at all you crazy git.
0%
 0%  [ 0 ]
it was a bit murky...
50%
 50%  [ 1 ]
tie your literary shoestrings and WALK AWAY!
0%
 0%  [ 0 ]
Total Votes : 2

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GeneralArnold77
wandering bard
wandering bard


Joined: 21 Dec 2007
Posts: 51


Location: Newfane, VT
PostPosted: Wed Apr 02, 2008 1:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
It's a good start! I think it could use some revision, but then what beginnings don't need revision?

um, one thing I noticed and I think would flow easier is towards the beginning you have:

Mothers and tradesmen and troublesome boys paused to...

Instead I would suggest this, "Mothers, Tradesmen, and troublesome boys paused to...." That would help it work a bit better.

My only other suggestion is review some of the dialouge. The storyline flows fine, but I had some trouble with the flowiness of the dialouge.

Anyway, waiting for more
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Thalya
Scribe
Scribe


Joined: 18 Dec 2007
Posts: 14


Location: Wandering worlds
PostPosted: Thu Apr 03, 2008 1:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
YAY!!!!

You've actually put some of this up! I've been waiting...
I love it, course it helps that i know some of the story all ready.
Only problem i had was distinguishing dialog, but other than that I liked it very much so. I like that you only put in a small amount of details, makes me want more.
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jesse
daydreamer
daydreamer


Joined: 29 Jan 2008
Posts: 33
PostPosted: Tue Apr 15, 2008 1:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote
Oh wow I LOVE the dialogue. There's so much character in the lines, and thus in the characters. A very engaging read. It gives off a feel of folklore as well as fantasy. When can we expect more?

<3

-Jesse


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