storytellers

GeneralArnold77 · Posted: Fri Feb 01, 2008 2:53 pm Post subject: Who Really Cared?

Who Really Cared?

Richard Tucker
Age, whenever
Died last night in a back ally
alone
in the gutter.

That’s what my obituary will read when I die
Many years from now
tomorrow
who knows?
Who cares?
I’m sure that when I die,
whether it be tomorrow, or years from now
the world will skip over my obituary,
and go to the comics or the entertainment.

“How’d those Sox do last night?”
“Good,” will be the response.
No one will think to ask:
“Did someone die?”
“Did Richard Tucker... die?”

But then, what would I expect
From a world who’s shunned me
punished me
scared me for life
rejected me,
save for some
few angelic souls
who have taken the time to hear me
hear my cries for help
pulled me from the waters I’ve drown in
a million times over

But then
Will they care?
Will they read the obituaries?
Doubt it
They’ll be busy with their own lives
Parisian trips,
work,
family.

They will forget the man
who’d suffered so much
who’s only interest was helping others with their problems
with no interest in burdening them with his own
who’s only request in life was to be loved
held
be able to hold someone who genuinely cared for him
Who
loved him.
To be able to lay for hours, in each other’s arms
enjoying each other’s company
talking
looking into the future.

Yes, years from now,
or tomorrow
no one will read the obituary of
Lance Corporal Richard O Tucker
and no one will wonder, who he was.

eleison · Posted: Fri Feb 01, 2008 6:55 pm Post subject:

You do not need the comma in the last line. If you want to pause for effect there try a dash or skipping a space.

Punctuation in poetry is hard so it was an easy/common mistake.

Interesting poem, way to rock the free verse.
_________________
Everywhere I go I find that a poet has been there before me.
~Sigmund Freud~

Colonel Fitzgordon · Posted: Wed Feb 06, 2008 2:18 pm Post subject:

A very moving piece. I think the most effective line -literature wise- was
"Parisian trips,
work,
family."
Super poetic. the inserted diolouge is also splendid!

the only critique i have is that there could be more imagery. look for fresh metaphors you've never heard/thought of before, and explode them onto the scene.

really wonderful work though. keep it up!
_________________
"There was a dream that was Rome. You could only whisper it. Anything more than a whisper and it would vanish, it was so fragile." --Marcus Aurelius, Gladiator
Shall we whisper, you and I?