storytellers

Intricate_Icicle2197 · daydreamer Joined: 10 Dec 2007 Posts: 41

I'm not much of a poet, but I wanted opinions/suggestions on some poems I've done. >.>;

Loneliness of a Heart
You do not have to be alone to be lonely
For what does misery love more than company?
And deep within the crevices of our own minds
Do we inhabit the most lonely feeling of all
A heart wanders, unknowingly
Into the trap of another
Not that the trap was purposefully set
But indeed it was
Set, that is,
In such an alluring fashion
That the heart knows not the dangers of falling in
And does so
In fact, it almost dives head first into it
Without care
Hoping to satisfy that need,
That craving
For another heart to share
In its loneliness

Follow the Sun
A fiery explosion
Surrounded by the contents of the
Now-empty shells
Of purple paint balls
On a light blue square
Of the highest-quality canvas
The explosion dies down as
The hours pass on
Not forming the usual mushroom cloud, but
Rather, a sphere that
Could fit perfectly in the palm
Of your hand
And the paint drips
Sideways, rather than down
Both the paint and
The canvas square darken
Until eventually the indigo canvas
Covers the explosion
And the paint
Dots of white and silver appear
As though a child has splattered their paintbrush
And one dot is much larger than the rest
As if their thumb slipped
And stained the canvas
And so it continues
Each day and night
A repeating cycle
Of a child's carelessness

Freakshow
I am the freak in the back of the class
Only seen, only known, by my Mardi Gras mask
It hides my true self so you’ll all stick around
Because what would you say if my mask tumbled down?

I know what you’d say and I know what you’d do
You’d stare and you’d blink at the girl you once knew
If I dropped the mask, this is where I would stand
But if you saw the real me, would you still take my hand?

You don’t know all that I am or all that I know
My weekends are filled and you don’t know where I go
You can love me or hate me, but what will I care
When the mask falls down you’ll all sit and stare

The black and the white swirls into a gray
The truth from these secrets will be what they may
Not all secrets are bad; they’re like sequins and feathers
They’re the only things keeping this mask together

But aren’t you all freaks in the back of the class
Only seen, only known by your Mardi Gras masks
It hides your true self so we’ll all stick around
Because what would we say if your mask tumbled down?

So that's that. >.> Let me know what you think. <.< please don't be too harsh. ^^;;

~I_I~

eleison · Posted: Mon Dec 10, 2007 2:06 am Post subject:

I'll do this poem by poem-

Lonliness of Heart: I saw the title and rolled my eyes, I admit it. Something about it was off-putting and... contrived, I guess.-Which is totally in fair to the poem itself! I really liked this one, thought the first two lines failed to grab me. The explaination that followed intriqued me.

Follow the Sun: The cut-offs work really well here, they sound like the ideas they express. Choppy and violently playful...
Again, I like it.
I'm terrible at giving/finding negative critique so I hope pointing out positives helps!

I'll have to get to "Freak Show" later, I need to work on other things for a bit.
_________________
Everywhere I go I find that a poet has been there before me.
~Sigmund Freud~

Intricate_Icicle2197 · daydreamer Joined: 10 Dec 2007 Posts: 41

*laughs* I know. I'm horribly unoriginal when it comes to titles. x_x and the Loneliness of a Heart poem actually started off as an assignment, so that only adds to the corniness... or however it's spelled o_x I suck at spelling. ^^;;;
~I_I
_________________
~If it hurts to look back and it frightens you to look forward, just look beside you and I will be there.~

eleison · Posted: Thu Dec 13, 2007 12:52 am Post subject:

Okay, final poem. AWESOME. The rhyme really works well here.

...but the informal language occassionally threw me off. (such as don't, you'll, we'll) A lot of it was fine, I think it was mostly the "don'ts" that bugged me, the rest went with the poem nicely. Groovy stuff.
_________________
Everywhere I go I find that a poet has been there before me.
~Sigmund Freud~

Intricate_Icicle2197 · daydreamer Joined: 10 Dec 2007 Posts: 41

SWEET! I'm not the only person who says "groovy" anymore. ^^; sorry.

Well, I just wrote another one. Like I said, I'm not much of a poet. But oddly enough, that's all I've been writing in my Writing Journal for school. Oodles and Oodles of poems.. eh, whatever

Lost Wars
A lost war is not soon forgotten
It is video-taped
Rewound and re-watched in slow motion
One hundred times over
In your head
Combing through every move
Analyzing what you could have done
To change the outcome.
As if the error was as simple as
Moving your queen to H4 and being killed by a pawn or
Looking through a spyglass saying "E3"
Only to realize you just sunk your own battleship
Of course, errors in a lost war
Are never that simple to find
For we're talking about things so vastly complex
Not even Plato
Or Aristotle
Could find the answer.
Why do we fight in a losing war?
Is it so we are guaranteed
That we will
Not soon be forgotten?

>.> Yeah, I have no idea what I'm talking about, really. Well, actually I do, but I don't know how well it came out. The only question I really have about it is whether or not to keep that line "In your head" that comes after "One hundred times over". I'm still debating that and your thoughts/opinions on that would be maaah-velous.

~I_I~
_________________
~If it hurts to look back and it frightens you to look forward, just look beside you and I will be there.~

eleison · Posted: Fri Dec 14, 2007 2:29 am Post subject:

(Groovy has taken over most of my vocabulary.)

I love the game metaphor, it works well.Especially the switch from Chess to Battleship.

The whole idea of trying to fix mistakes in ones mind is always interesting to tinker with... it is one of those everyday tragedies, it matters not if we're talking math tests, chess games, or real wars.

And... I think you make a fine poet.
_________________
Everywhere I go I find that a poet has been there before me.
~Sigmund Freud~

Intricate_Icicle2197 · daydreamer Joined: 10 Dec 2007 Posts: 41

Ok, here's another oldish one... I dunno what to name it yet...

Canvas sneakers, laced half-way up
With the tops toppling over
Perfectly aligned on the floor
Waiting, almost impatiently for their owner
To return to them so that they may do what they do best
And walk
They can almost feel the ghost of their owners' feet
Sliding warmly in
And they get excited
Yet it is all for naught
For their owner is long gone
And they do not even know it yet
As they sit on the floor expectantly
Waiting to walk again
_________________
~If it hurts to look back and it frightens you to look forward, just look beside you and I will be there.~