storytellers

Colonel Fitzgordon · Posted: Wed Apr 02, 2008 1:03 pm Post subject: The Sun Gods

[This is a long-time baby of mine that has seen, I shit you not, HUNDREDS of drafts and re-writes. I've finally reached a point where I think this is the best way to begin the story.
Non-spoiler plot sumary: In a fictional empire, religion is tearing the five kingdoms apart. The exiled young emperor has reclaimed his throne from a facist religious order, the Host. His children and his childrens children must balance their own desires and beliefs against the call to do right by their people. But when everyone is of divided blood, who knows what side anyone is on.]

Chapter one: Old Lions and Prodigal Sons [Part I]

The old man stood in the street, under the shadow of the copper statue, turned green in the years it had guarded the square. Mothers and tradesmen and troublesome boys paused to regard the sage as he chanted to the people who passed him, his eyes closed, his mouth drawn up in a smile beneath his straggly beard.

—My people, he sang out, Bonishroaden people! You have much to rejoice for. Yes! Old ones, hold up the goods you carry! Did you have such fine things when you were young?

As the old sage spoke, he did a stomping dance, his bare feet pounding on the cobble street. All the while he shook his gnarly walking stick adorned with the claws of lions. When a boy reached out to touch the trophies he was shooed away by a shake of the old man’s dark-skinned hand.

—Listen when we old ones say ‘Do not fall to greed’ my people. We have not forgotten the hunger, eh? Once we wailed as our bellies ate us from the inside out!

The old man tossed his head back and forth like an angry bull, his lips curling around his teeth to mirror the rage of the horse and rider frozen in copper at his back and said, We cried out to Ah-Jinn, my people.

He raised his hand toward the sky as he chanted his prayer, Oh, Ah-Jinn! Your people are hungry! How can we live when the Host takes all that you give us? When the monks take the grain from your fields? Ah-Jinn, we are dying!

A few of the old women sitting on the side of the street called out prayers of agreement, their heads rocking back against the walls as they fanned themselves.

—And then my people, the old man opened his eyes, Ah-Jinn sent us a warrior. Raised up from the dead he was, from that place where the Host put his father in the ground. Ah-Jinn gave us the emperor. It is he that gave you all these fine things. You thought he would make you free for a day. Bonishroadens, he has made you free forever.

His last words were quiet in the din of the marketplace, but they did not go unheard.

A short distance from where the sage had stood a carriage had come to a halt, waiting for the crowd of onlookers to disperse. One of its occupants, a young man with draping black hair and a sensitive brow, leaned out of his window and called to the old man, Shirrobo, but he received no answer, and the sage continued on his way. The young man grinned and called again, Old witchdoctor! Where do you go this day?

At this, the old man Shirrobo stopped, turning his head to look over his jagged shoulder. On his face was a sharp and devious smile, his eyes uncommonly wide, as they always were.

The young man in the carriage urged his driver onward, and then asked him to stop again beside the old man, much to the disapproval of his companion who sighed and pulled at his gloves in impatience.

Shirrobo continued to walk at his aged pace, seeming to be amused and never quite looking at the carriage.

—Where are you going?” the young man repeated.

—High place, Chetoni Dawn Fisher! The same place you go today.

Shirrobo’s staff fell in even taps on the cobbles as he said, apparently to the horses, but you will get there faster to my thinking.

—Will you ride with us?

—I ride in no man’s wagon, Chetoni Dawn Fisher.

Shirrobo’s head tilted up and down as he walked so he might view Chetoni through the corner of his vision.

It was the answer Chetoni had expected. He looked to his companion, coaxing him to have the smallest courtesy and say something to the sage.

The other man in the carriage slid forward in his seat, sunlight illuminating the copper of his skin as he said, And your master, Shirrobo? I suppose he is at the capitol today as well?

Shirrobo laughed, sticking his bristly beard into the air as his head rolled back. I have no master Tinaho Dawn Fisher, he said. Them river birds, they have no master. Old Lions, they have no master. Shirrobo have no master.

Tinaho fell back into his seat, raising an eyebrow to his brother.

—But, Shirrobo clicked his tongue, if you ask after Melumaba Lions Blood, I would say you will find him today.

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"There was a dream that was Rome. You could only whisper it. Anything more than a whisper and it would vanish, it was so fragile." --Marcus Aurelius, Gladiator
Shall we whisper, you and I?

GeneralArnold77 · Posted: Wed Apr 02, 2008 1:53 pm Post subject:

It's a good start! I think it could use some revision, but then what beginnings don't need revision?

um, one thing I noticed and I think would flow easier is towards the beginning you have:

Mothers and tradesmen and troublesome boys paused to...

Instead I would suggest this, "Mothers, Tradesmen, and troublesome boys paused to...." That would help it work a bit better.

My only other suggestion is review some of the dialouge. The storyline flows fine, but I had some trouble with the flowiness of the dialouge.

Anyway, waiting for more

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“Fixed fortifications are monuments to man's stupidity.” ~General George S Patton Jr.

Thalya · Posted: Thu Apr 03, 2008 1:07 pm Post subject:

YAY!!!!

You've actually put some of this up! I've been waiting...
I love it, course it helps that i know some of the story all ready.
Only problem i had was distinguishing dialog, but other than that I liked it very much so. I like that you only put in a small amount of details, makes me want more.

jesse · daydreamer Joined: 29 Jan 2008 Posts: 33

Oh wow I LOVE the dialogue. There's so much character in the lines, and thus in the characters. A very engaging read. It gives off a feel of folklore as well as fantasy. When can we expect more?

<3

-Jesse

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I've always been Jung at heart.