storytellers

GeneralArnold77 · Posted: Wed Apr 02, 2008 1:53 pm Post subject:

It's a good start! I think it could use some revision, but then what beginnings don't need revision?

um, one thing I noticed and I think would flow easier is towards the beginning you have:

Mothers and tradesmen and troublesome boys paused to...

Instead I would suggest this, "Mothers, Tradesmen, and troublesome boys paused to...." That would help it work a bit better.

My only other suggestion is review some of the dialouge. The storyline flows fine, but I had some trouble with the flowiness of the dialouge.

Anyway, waiting for more

_________________
“Fixed fortifications are monuments to man's stupidity.” ~General George S Patton Jr.

Thalya · Posted: Thu Apr 03, 2008 1:07 pm Post subject:

YAY!!!!

You've actually put some of this up! I've been waiting...
I love it, course it helps that i know some of the story all ready.
Only problem i had was distinguishing dialog, but other than that I liked it very much so. I like that you only put in a small amount of details, makes me want more.

jesse · daydreamer Joined: 29 Jan 2008 Posts: 33

Oh wow I LOVE the dialogue. There's so much character in the lines, and thus in the characters. A very engaging read. It gives off a feel of folklore as well as fantasy. When can we expect more?

<3

-Jesse

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I've always been Jung at heart.